EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!

Scientists Discover Link Between Cellular Breakdown and Faster-Than-Light Travel
Wedsnesday, May 4, 2107

New Albion (INN) - 40 years after the first manned faster-than-light trip out of the solar system, scientists have linked antioxidants in fruits and vegetables to retarding cellular breakdown effects from repeated faster-than-light (FTL) travel. Increasingly in the past four decades, people who have frequently and repeatedly traveled between star systems have reported increasing deterioration of human body functionality. Side effects have been heretofore unexplained loss of muscle tissue, increases in cases of leukemia, and a general rise in other cancers. Even after as few as half a dozen faster-than-light trips, travelers have reported an increase in migraine-level headaches. But until now, no definitive link to FTL travel and these symptoms had been linked.

Dr Marcus Brody of the New Albion Institute on Medicine, announced yesterday that they finally understand the cause. And it is all due to traveling faster than light.

"Man was not necessarily meant to travel faster than light," stated Dr Brody, "but Nature has provided Man with a solution to the hazards of deep space travel. And surprisingly, it is found almost exclusively in fruits and vegetables!"

Brody's team reported that when eaten at recommended dietary levels, antioxidants in regular everyday fruits and vegetables dramatically stave off the debilitating effects of FTL travel.

Dr Brody's team conducted research on data compiled over the past 40 years, and solicited volunteers from the normal traveling population.

"People have reported that their headaches went almost completely away after they started a regular diet of fruits and vegetables," reported Katherine Dominque, a fellow researcher of Brody's, "Test subjects were divided into two groups: one eating fruits and vegetables regularly while traveling FTL, and the other group who subsisted exclusively on meats and grains during their travel."

"The results after as few as four flights were immediately noticeable."

Once test subjects who had not eaten fruits and vegetables started to include them in their diets, the effects went away.

"We have a lot of converts to eating balanced meals now. This could really help society as a whole."

The researchers indicated that at this time no known synthetically-produced antioxidants have this same effect.

"You need to eat your fruits and vegetables," said Brody, "not take pills off a store shelf. Those will not work."

The New Albion Institute of Medicine furnished this list of common antioxidants and the foods in which they are found:

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